hmmmmmmmm

in our world of unprecedented squalor both morally and all around us, the phenomenon of love constantly amazes me. that though there is so much deception the real thing crops up every now and then to wow us and give us hope that perhaps we too wil find the cure for our pain and loneliness.

oh ya. it gives us such hope.

not so long ago a started to love some one.... for reasons of of different standards and standings as regards certain things, i knew it could not work if i wanted to be myself.
i was to settle and save face among men. i mean who wants to be called an old maiden! i dont want to be the scorn of every one in the vicinity esp because they will never tell it to you face to face. but they despise you, maybe just laugh at you or most commonly they refer to you every time they speak of a failures in life.

so yes. i let it go.

so now am here waiting for this other guy to notice that i dont bite. i had a crazy idea about starting to go out alot in a bid to find some one. but wont that just bring more issues ....
but i will be still. after all wer are no all fated to walk the same paths.

sigh sigh sigh

sitting here in a room so large the walls seem so far away
the air seems too clear
the light so un tampered with.
it is a life worth living.....
till a moment steals my peace and the walls seem miles away
and the air insufficient for my lungs which have, seemingly, enlarged. the air way appears narrower
forcing breathing to become a chore and the life force of the heart to waver.

its not inadequacy that plagues the soul but perhaps a form of over adequacy that renders others paralysed and makes you wonder if adequacy is adequate enough to effect that for which you were made.

the moon rises and the sun hides its face....
another day of walls gone by
rooms
house
world

but the boundaries are so far out and the air is too thin.....
so slowly i fear
i die.

Damn heart

I have no idea wat to thnk nw! Ths whole love nt love scene jus drives me nutts! Nicest thng is i dnt knw a soul to tell n nt be bitten!
Who made me ths way anyway! Am no pessimist but i thnk i have to admit ths have nt been going on okay for a while now, am alone in my head, in life. I dnt knw if i really have wat's in my hand! Dnt knw if the crops in my garden have died on my watch. So am jus quiet. Here in my office of sorts. Wondering, if indeed wat i hope for, has any hope at all!

Damn heart

I have no idea wat to thnk nw! Ths whole love nt love scene jus drives me nutts! Nicest thng is i dnt knw a soul to tell n nt be bitten!
Who made me ths way anyway! Am no pessimist but i thnk i have to admit ths have nt been going on okay for a while now, am alone in my head, in life. I dnt knw if i really have wat's in my hand! Dnt knw if the crops in my garden have died on my watch. So am jus quiet. Here in my office of sorts. Wondering, if indeed wat i hope for, has any hope at all!

Today

Today i watchd as a spontaneous abortion, knwn to many as a miscarriage took place. Ths female was shivering, moaning rolling. Tears run down her face as she sweated and twistd, then was the gush of fluid, then sme more moaning and grinding. Then sme more, then fluid, the the head of a micro baby cme forth! After it was out, the fluid cme again. Some more shaking, moaning, patient seemed to be in shock! Then the placenta, sme water, sme dilute blood. And the heaving stoppd, she was okay.
Moral: it cn b realy hard smetyms. U thnk surely ths is going to kill sth or me! And every1 cn testify that ya, ths is a goner. But after u have sufferd a little whyl, u'll b jus fine!

Little feet

The labour of the father is for the child and that of the child is for the father until the child has a child. I saw a little girl run to her daddy, excited to tell him about the neighbour's puppy that she thinks has supper powers! Daddy daddy. T should have seen it jump the hoop it even almost climbed the tree? Do you think it can fly. Children. Precious aren't they.

Becoming.....?

How is it that two conflicting realities can occur in the same space and yet not cancel each other! confused don't be! Ever heard of the say that "we become like what we love". you are thinking true dat. A person who thinks God is some stern judge who is waiting to punish our every weakness, u find generally, will be as critical as criticism itself thinking for some reason that he is in fact representing God!
However another say which i have found to be true says "we become what we hate". here again we find that a boy with an abusive father who hurts his mother and the boy will grow to hate this thing and purpose not to be anything like his father! But like a complete fool you find that he batters his wife just like his father did his mother. And so came the saying like father like son!

some one i interested in the discussion on this subject said the reason for the later was that the person in that instance did not hate what they hated enough! That if the son, for example, should have hated what his father was much more and then he would have found himself not in the same box!

However in my view, that is after i thought on these two seemingly conflicting patterns which are simultaneously true but fail to cancel each other out, was that the truth is that these theories in fact support each other! tis is not drawn form the weak theory that there is a thin line between love and hate!

i think that we in fact we ultimately become what we love. a father loving his father ends up just like his father. Yes you may claim to hate what your daddy did and all your daddy was all bout but deep down inside you love the man who to you for the most part spells hero and all those words we attach to our daddies. same applying to mommy.

so what we become is indeed what we love, what we hate in it and what we love.